parenting
The other day in the car with both boys on the way home from school. Me: "PLEASE can you two be quiet for just five minutes?"
pause
Sam: "I am being quiet."
Sam: "I am being quiet."
Sam: "I AM being quiet Mommy."
Me: guffaw laugh after I cannot keep it in any longer.
Sam: "What's so funny Mommy?"
Ben is really growing fast. It is fascinating to watch him change and become his own person. He still doesn't like me to take his picture, but I sneak the camera up on him anyway. When they made Mother's Day cards at school Josh was out of town on business, so my card this year says "I love my mommy because my dad is out of town". Out of the mouths of babes.
Bonnie Berry is an Austin, Texas child, family and wedding photographer.
Dear Ben and Sam:It seems like it has been way too long since I have written you both a little letter. I had a draft of one I started in January, but never finished. I had an outline of things I wanted to cover and reading it only 5 months later has been interesting because I have already forgotten half of the stuff you did just a couple of months ago.
Ben: You used to insist that we take a detour to take you to school so that you could see this tree sculpture in front of this ultra modern house. You called it the spooky tree. You have started helping out by setting the table and letting the dogs in and out. For a brief period you were obsessed with this tacky bulldog statue that we received as a wedding gift from a relative. You called him 'Bah' and brought him everywhere and even slept with him. You are obsessed with video games. I love it when you are playing a game with dad and you tell him what to do. You love books and are often found sitting on the floor surrounded by them. You are becoming such a little boy--talking in funny voices and saying 'watch this'. You still refuse to go on the potty and it has become a power struggle. I keep telling myself that one day you will wake up and be ready. I still believe this, but now worry that it will be when you are in middle school. Now you are constantly saying "awesome dude", which is driving me up the wall.
You are a sensitive child and I see so much of me at your age in you. And when I am yelling or losing my temper one look at you breaks my heart, because I can see exactly what you are feeling. I struggle daily to be a good parent and some days I do better than others. You deserve so much more than I seem able to give you. Mothers always seemed so selfless to me and I am anything but selfless. I am grateful that you have such a good and present father. I hope that will help in the areas I am weak in. I told myself when you were born that I would need to be vigilant to keep the constant depression at bay. I would need to take care of myself in order to be there for you. But I struggle to be well and to balance the person you need me to be and the person I am. Most of the mothers I know do not seem to flinch at their new roles and the loss of many of their liberties. I chafe constantly at the ropes I feel that bind me. Do you really need to know all of this? Probably not. But perhaps when you are older it may explain my mercurial personality and mood swings. And maybe you will not blame yourself and realize that my being weak did not make me love you any less.
Sam: You are quite the little character. You seem to think we are all completely mad and you mostly go off on you own. You are extremely independent and stubborn. You come over to me for a quick cuddle and then once your needs have been met you are off on another adventure. You are giggly and ticklish. You still only say CAR and TUCKER and are obviously frustrated by not being able to communicate. I keep trying to teach you some signs but you seem to prefer screaming as a mode of communication. Awhile ago you were obsessed with this game our friend Kell taught you. You would hit your forehead against mine and then say BOOM OUCH. You could play this for hours although it sure hurt my head because you did not hold back. You love to 'help' around the house which is of course a bit of a nightmare. You seem somewhat oblivious to those around you with the exception of Ben who you adore.
You are both becoming such handsome and caring boys. My only hope is to do right by you both.
Love, Mom
I am sitting here on a cloudy Sunday morning with my cup of coffee and 10 million things to do before I leave for the better part of two weeks to travel around taking photos. So what am I doing? Yep. I am procrastinating with a blog entry. I have seen so few movies in the last few years post children. In the last couple of weeks I have seen more than usual, which is a real treat. In the last couple of days I saw two that both fill diffferent parts of my personality--the light and the heavy. They were Twilight and Revolutionary Road (which has the amazing photo above on its poster).
Starting with the light--I watched Twilight on the computer from an Amazon download. I must admit that I am OBSESSED with this series and I have no idea why. I have read all of the books several times over and finally watched the movie, which was much better than I was thought it would be, mostly because my expectations were so low after the mediocre reviews it got from people I know. Many people complained about the special effects, which frankly I could care less about. I think Catherine Hardwick is an amazing director and the screenwriting and adaptation of the novel by Melissa Rosenberg was really very good. And it you looked past the silly flying stuff, the artistry in scenes like the one where they are playing baseball is resplendent. The movie took me back to the teen dramas of John Hughes, Fast Times at Ridgemont High, and Valley Girl. Movies that I watched over and over and can still see and be instantly transported back to a time in my life that is long past. Perhaps that is why I love Twilight so much. It brings me back to being a teenage girl and I no longer remember the angst and the insecurity, but rather the butterflies I felt when a boy I liked walked in the room or the phone finally rang after I hovered over it for the better part of an hour. And I do not see the parents as overly controlling anymore, but now as gatekeepers for their children's safety, as carriers of all of the worry. The worry that I now have to carry. Just being able to leave the responsibilities of adulthood behind for a couple of hours is such a gift.
On the other side of the spectrum was Revolutionary Road, I have put off seeing this film. I knew it would be a tough one to watch. I read the Yates novel a few years ago. I knew that I would see too much of myself in it. So even though my beloved Kate Winslet was starring, I kept putting it off. But I wanted to see it before it left the theater, so the other night I went on my own. And it was exactly what I thought it would be--expertly acted, beautiful direction and cinematography and so very, very sad. One big surprise came out of it for me and that was Leonardo DiCaprio. I have never been a big fan of his and so much has been made of Winslet's performance, but this was DiCaprio's movie. He owned it and he was amazing. The part of Frank Wheeler is not for the meek and he not only stood his ground, but took it to a new place. If you have not seen it, you should. It is hard to watch, but it is beautiful and most importantly it is real. Its honesty is what was hard for me to sit in a dark theater with. I feel stuck like the Wheelers. I too thought I would be something special, something grander than I am. And I am not. I am ordinary. And like many of the women in the fifties, I do not find child rearing to be enough. It often feels like a trap or a prison to me. I might sound cruel for saying so, but that is what is real for me.The best line in the film is when April says, "Tell me the truth Frank remember that? We used to live by it. And you know what's so good about the truth? Everyone knows what it is however long they've lived without it. No one forgets the truth Frank they just get better at lying". Amen.
These two words came crashing down on my reality late last week when I realized that Ben's preschool (PRESCHOOL for goodness sakes) was taking this week off. What in the world do four year olds need a break from I ask you? So as I am still struggling to accept life at home with one child I am suddenly home with two and going completely bonkers.I am sorry people, but women are being screwed. We are supposed to work at home, work in corporate America AND take care of children. And then the structures we have put in place to help us with the burden of childcare (so we can go WORK) decide they want to take a week off every once in awhile. Meanwhile our clients do not have the week off. Our work does not stop coming. The world does not come to a halt in order for us to drop everything this week. And for all of you out there who are going to say that teachers need a break I say hogwash. I think teaching is the hardest job on the planet so I say treat it like any other profession with much better wages and fair vacation pay. And let's face it, most teachers I know are women with their own children so it is not like they are sitting home eating bon bons this week. This "let's close the world down once a week in the Spring, two weeks in December and all summer long" is ludicrous. Even before I had children I saw my female co-workers go through this hell every year--what to do with the kids over the summer, how to get off work in the Spring. And do 8 year olds REALLY NEED 12 weeks off in the summer from the pressures of third grade? When I speak with my women friends about the pressures of life with work and children and home responsibilities we all roll our eyes as if to say "We are so screwed and we know it". But none of us (and I am definitely including myself in this group) ever does anything to change it. We have so little female representation in our government and what we do have does nothing for us in these areas. As I am typing this I am fending off a toddler who is trying to climb on my laptop. Something tells me this is not a problem that Barbara Boxer faces daily. Sarah Palin, who claims she is "just like us", has a record in Alaska that shows that she has done nothing legislatively for working mothers. These women are so busy trying to show the men that they are just as tough as they are, are playing THEIR game, not ours. We aren't even on the playing field. We are on the sidelines making sandwiches and pacifying children. If we have to give a chunk of time off, I say we do it like the French, where the entire country simply shuts down for one month per year and everyone is on vacation. And while I am on a rant, let's continue to be like the French and make better bread. Is it too much to ask for a decent baguette in Central Texas?
For all of you who have been confused about the communication gaps around here, this story is for you. It used to be that you sent me an email or left me a voicemail message and you received an immediate reply. I am afraid those days are over. I am now lucky if I can check my email once a day. Not only am I madly chasing after a toddler (which I have rediscovered is about as rewarding and as futile as chasing a cat), but I am also spending the day with 'technology nazi toddler'. Sam is OBSESSED with ANYTHING that is a gadget. I even attempt to use the laptop and he bangs the keyboard and screams and screams until I give up and close the lid. And forget about talking on the phone. He bellows at the top of his lungs for you to pass it over to him and nothing will distract him from the prize. Needless to say this makes staying in touch with people in a timely manner pretty much impossible. I am thinking that if you need an answer from me right away that sending a text message to my phone is going to be the best way to get in touch with me. That or drugging my toddler. I can read those messages without Sam seeing the phone and you do not need to be bombarded by the cacophony on this end.Once again I am overwhelmed by the demands of motherhood. I thought that I could watch Sam during the day and work at night and all would be well. After a few days of childcare all day and working in front of the computer until midnight or later, I am realizing that I cannot do it all. I am too old and too tired. I need to regroup. So please be patient with me. If I am not getting back to you about something you need, please just keep hammering me. Or you can be like my friend Sara and just get in the car and come to my house when my response time is a bit slow. I will leave you with some visuals of the technology nazi toddler in action.
Bonnie Berry is an Austin, Texas child, family and wedding photographer.
Sam and I are now at home together during what was previously my work day and his school day. It has been an adjustment for both of us. I think he misses going to school. Josh thinks that I feel guilty and am just projecting these feelings on to Sam. That is the strange thing I never really understood about projection. Ultimately, what difference does it make whether I am projecting my feelings on to him or he is the person originating the feelings? The end result always seems to be the same.I am in the perhaps unusual position of neither having the aptitude nor the interest for being a sahm. I like to work. I am just not that successful at the whole business thing. You know. Money. So here I am with baby Sam, in a position he most likely did not covet. I can only hope that we both find undiscovered joy and depths in the process of building this new boat together. Regardless, we will be sure to buckle our seat belts. The captain is new at this and the passenger is teething. There is bound to be turbulence.
Bonnie Berry is an Austin, Texas child and family photographer.
When I was younger I always envisioned having children, but they honestly served more as accessories in my daydreams than as real people. So along that line of thinking you can imagine what a wake up call real children were. I spent years babysitting or spending time with children, but I always got to leave them behind and resume my own life. And even now that I am a mother I still feel a bit that way. As if I am waiting for someone to spell me and no one comes.The three times I have been away from my children in the last four years it has been a bit of a renewal for me. As the days to myself passed I became more and more of who I was. I began to shower more often, brush my teeth, wear nicer clothes. I came back to myself. I missed my three boys of course. It was as if I was doomed. I could either have myself or my family. I know it will not always be this way, but it is where I am right now. You really can't have it all. Starting next month Sam and Ben will be home with me much more during the week. These tough economic times are affecting all of us and we are not exempt. I am very nervous about this change. I have always been very forthright about the fact that I am not SAHM material. And here I will be: stay at home mom by day and working mom by night. Any little sense of self I have remaining is threatened into distinction. So what is all of this rambling about? I really have no idea. Just the feeling that I am on the brink of change and unsure of what it will bring.
Sam did battle with our coffee table the other night and lost. So he and Josh headed for the ER at the Children's Hospital. They left about 8 at night and got home at 1 in the morning. Josh said it was not a pleasant experience, but that Sam was up and playing the whole time. So of course the last couple of days Sam has been sleeping like a sailor recovering from a bender. They ended up glueing his cut closed rather than stitches. Josh joked that we could have saved a whole lot of time and money if we just broke out the Crazy Glue. But even I am not THAT laissez-faire.
Bonnie Berry is an Austin, Texas child, family and wedding photographer.
Ben: "Can I take a nap in your bed Mommy?"Me: "Yes." Ben: "Why?" Me: "What do you mean 'why'?" Ben: "Why can I take a nap in your bed?" Me: Sigh. - - - - Ben: "Can I go to Mia's house?" Me: "Not right now. Maybe soon." Ben: "Who's Mia?" - - - - Ben: "Mommy is it nighttime?" Me: "Yes." Ben: "Why?" Me: (thinking, but not saying) Because mommy needs a drink.
I always wanted to be that mom. You know the one. She decorates the house and the yard at the holidays. She buys the gifts and wraps them early, beautifully and thoughtfully. She bakes cookies and makes candies for her neighbors and friends. And never shows up empty handed at someone's house. Unfortunately, I am not that mom. I am the other mother. The one who madly rushes around the day before for the tree, the presents and the wrapping paper. The one who slaps it all together in the wee hours with Christmas morning hours away. The one who has no idea where the menorah is and if we have candles so I buy more every year and then suddenly discover we have 400 already. So I was pleased as punch with myself ths year when the Simon kids, my kids, Geni and I baked cookies. Yes they were the 'mix out of the bag' kind. And yes the frosting came in a can, but it's a start. And although most people do not equate margaritas with the holidays, they were a necessity.
Bonnie Berry is an Austin based child, family and wedding photographer.
This is a review of Bonnie's skills as a mother as dictated by her two sons, Ben and Sam. They feel that her abilites as a mother are generally fair, but that there is room for improvement. Her strengths are her affection for us and her play skills are excellent. She needs to work on her patience, her cooking skills, her laundry time schedule and her housekeeping abilities. She also needs to learn to play well with others and be a team player. And she needs to spend less time on her computer and reading her novels and more time meeting our constant needs. Our final suggestion is that she start taking speed. We think it might help in the energy department. We are looking forward to working with her in 2009 and are hopeful that she will take these suggestions under advisement. She has the raw material to be an excellent mother and we think that with a little motivation and a great deal of alcohol consumption, she will survive 2009 just fine.
When Ben left this morning I asked him for a kiss. He ignored me. Josh urged him to give me a kiss and when Ben did not I said "Please don't push him, I want him to choose to or not to, but I want it to be organic". Josh replied, "Hippie". I haven't laughed that hard in ages.
And Sam's first word is . . . drumroll please . . . CAR. Yes car. Not mommy. Not daddy.Not Ben or dog. Car. Enough said.
Conversation with Ben the other night over his pho (for those of you in the studio audience who don't know what pho is, it is a Vietnamese dish of noodles, broth etc).Ben: Mom I don't like the green stuff (cilantro). Me: Are you afraid it might kill you (sarcastically)? I'll eat it. I proceed to pick pick out the cilantro and eat it. A couple of minutes later. Ben: Mommy can you take out the green stuff? It might kill me. Note to self: must stop using sarcasm with three year olds.
Let me start off this post by saying that it is probably a REALLY bad idea to write on your blog when you not only have a cold, but have your period as well. I posted these pictures of Sam because they remind me of what I strive to be every day to these boys, a good mother. It is ironic that they illicit these emotions in me partly because they are photographed here with Josh and not me. But because I am behind the camera I know that they convey the way I feel about my sons and not simply their physical representation.
I want so badly to be a good parent. Some days I do better than others. Today was not a good day. Today I feel like a bad mother. I have no patience. I am irritable. I am unappreciative. Tomorrow might be better. I hope that it will be. With hormones raging throughout my body I cannot help but think about the Nielson family's recent tragedy. Most of you are probably more familiar with their story than I am (Tara also wrote a touching entry about it here). But their story pierces my heart. It reminds me that each day is precious and that my "I will try better tomorrow" philosophy just doesn't cut it. I have to remember that perhaps today will be all I have and that I have to make it count. That I have to be a good mother now and not tomorrow or the next day.
Time also feels infinite to us as humans. I suppose we have to feel that way in order to go on. As an adoptee I never want to leave my children's fate up to chance. It is too big of a bargain to make. I want to know that I not only will always be there to love them, but that I will do so unconditionally and flawlessly. This is, of course, not possible. I am, after all, merely human. But I want the world for them and I want to be the one to give it to them. Is that really so very much to ask for?
The following conversation took place in the car last night:Ben: Can I have a yogurt drink? Me: Yes, when we get home. Ben: Can I have a yogurt drink? Me: What did I say? Ben: Yes. Ben: Can I have a yogurt drink? Can I have a yogurt drink? Can I have a yogurt drink? Can I have a yogurt drink? Can I have a yogurt drink? Can I have a yogurt drink? Can I have a yogurt drink? Me: I already said 'yes'. If you keep asking I will change my answer to 'no'. silence. Me: Thank you for listening. more silence. Ben: Can I have a yogurt drink? Josh and Bonnie laugh so hard they pee in their pants. Ben laughs disconcertingly, as if he knows he has said something funny, but has no idea what. silence. Ben: Can I have an orange soda?
Ben: Here are 5 kids and here are 5 daddies.Me: Some kids don't have a daddy Ben. Some kids have two daddies and some have two mommies and some have just a mommy and no daddy. Some have a daddy and no mommy. Ben: Okay. I'm eating my corn.
...your toddler hands you a tattoo and a pair of scissors. This is not a good omen for his teenage years.
Ben: Is the sun down Mommy?Me: Yes. It's not up yet. Ben: Is the sun down Mommy? Me: Yes Ben. Ben: Is the sun down Mommy? Me: It's hidden by the clouds. Ben: Is the sun down Mommy? Me: YES Ben. It's down. Ben: No. It's not down Mommy.