Those of you who have known me even for a little bit probably already know this anecdote that I tell all of the time. It was told to me by my much beloved therapist in San Francisco and it is apparently an old AA analogy. It goes like this: Every day you are walking down the street and all of a sudden you are tumbling down a manhole. You didn't see it coming and have no idea of how you fell. Then after much therapy and self awareness you begin to see the manhole but you continue to fall down it. Which is worse because not only are you stumbling into it, but now you see it happening and feel powerless to stop it. The goal is, of course, to see the upcoming manhole and walk around it. For the past ten years or so I have been falling in that manhole and damn if I don't see it a mile away EVERY time.I have all of these things I do (or don't do) in order to keep my head above water and none of them are serving me well. Yet I feel unable to change them. I know I should exercise and that it will make me feel better. But I don't. I know I should eat well because it will make me healthier and give me more energy. But I don't. I know that if I pay my bills on time and I keep an orderly house and workspace I will feel more in charge of my life. But I don't. I know that if I search for the work that I want, it will come. But I don't. And so here I am. STUCK. And unable or unwilling to change it. It is so easy for me to look at other people's lives and know what they should do to change things. I am much easier on other people and insist that they should cut themselves a break. But if my life is less than ideal I figure I should just give up everything. No moderation for me. It is all or nothing. This, as well, does not serve me. If I could just find one thing a day that I could do that would make me feel better. If I could feel better about doing JUST one thing instead of feeling like it ALL has to be done or there's no use. Maybe that would be a beginning.