I have been reisiting it. Motherhood I mean. I have been telling myself that nothing has changed. That I can have it all. That I can be happy and creative and a good mom. But I'm stuck. I now know that I can't do it all, but I don't know how to find a middle ground. I can try to do it all or do none of it. I don't know how to be in between. And so I find myself on a Friday afternoon, still in my pajamas and unable to cope with my children or my work. It's like there is nothing left to give either myself or my children. I truly do not know how it is done.The title of the entry is taken from the name of a book on motherhood I read recently by an English woman named Rachel Cusk. It is one of the most honest books that I have read about being a mom yet. I highly recommend it. But it has also rung so true that it has left me a bit bereft. If this is where I am, where do I go from here? How do I find the self I am supposed to be now? When I alone, without my children, I feel guilty and vulnerable. Almost naked. Like I am in the wrong place at the wrong time. When I am with them, I want to be somewhere else. I want to be feeding my mind. I want to be gone. I went to a mother's night out a few days ago and there were quite a few new people there. So we were supposed to introduce ourselves, say how old our children are, what they are doing right now that we think is cute, etc. I have never wanted to run out of a room so badly. I thought "Here. Even here, I cannot escape them". And so when it was my turn I said I would not talk about my children and the women looked at me like I was bad. Like I didn't love my children the right way. And I felt wrong. I have to remind myself constantly that I DO love my children. But I love them in my way. My real way. It is the only way I can. It is the best way I can because it is true. It is me. And I am their mother. No one else. I need to find my way. It will take time.