It has been so hard since Sam was born to deal with the changes in my relationship with Ben. As Ben's primary caregiver since his birth we have always been really close. And now that Sam is here Ben has been watched primarily by other family members and by Josh and needing/wanting me less and less. Don't get me wrong. I LOVE that Josh and Ben are so close. But sometimes I hear the fun they are having downstairs while I am upstairs with Sam and I am envious. I feel like I am missing out on Ben's life right now. And although I know this is temporary it is still hard. As my first baby Ben will always hold a special place in my heart.
He is going through such a tough stage right now (2 and a halfs) that he is either exasperating or ridiculously sweet. But he is also so much fun right now because you can have an actual conversation with him. And these past few nights when Josh and I are laying in bed with Ben and Josh is reading to him in his funny voices and I KNOW that I am experiencing a precious moment. THIS is what I want to hold on to. I just hope that when I am back to being on duty with Ben and Sam and tired and harried that I will remember the things I felt these past weeks about cherishing the moments instead of wishing them to wile themselves away.