I feel like I have been in a fog and it is just starting to lift a bit. I am starting to see things around me instead of just plunging past them. And suddenly it feels paramount to figure out that which is important and that which is not. And I have been pondering communication and what it means to just say what you mean and mean what you say. I believe in candor. I have no interest really in anything else. But I also believe in being respectful and seeing people and not discounting them or their feelings. But this dance we all do, where we do not say what we really mean, is boring to me as I get older. Part of me just wants someone to tell me that I am full of shit and an equal part of me is terrified that someone will. It just seems like we expend so much energy trying to talk around things to other people instead of dealing with them head on. And then I wonder how we came to this point? What did we learn that made us this way and how do we unlearn it? I am trying hard when things bother me to just say them directly. Often I do not even need them to say anything back. I just need to unload the feelings, so that they will not fester and cause unnecessary resentment. Because let's face it, resentment takes WAY more energy in the long run. I am trying to learn to face things in the beginning instead of letting them stay in the background for ages. I used to think that denial was the easy way out, but it is excruciating and accomplishes absolutely nothing.
And then there is always the decision of which battles to pick. I cannot move through the world saying every little thing that comes into my head (what a mess THAT would be). And that goes for the nice things as well. I often have to remind myself to say the good things OUT LOUD. Thinking and not saying them does not do the job. Nobody is going to understand me through osmosis, even if that is the communication method I practiced for years and years. I spent ages confused as to why people did not just 'get' me. I mean, what was so hard? I should not have to ask for things or tell people what I need, right? They should just know (if you have not detected the heavy sarcastic tone here, please insert it).
Lately it just feels like no one is really saying anything at all. And I crave that. I crave real conversations and emotions and I admit I am terrified of them as well. Because unlike Facebook or texts, we cannot control those things. All hell could break loose. It's like the part in L.A. Confidential where Rusell Crowe asks Guy Pearce, "The...case made you. Do you want to tear all that down?" and Guy Pearce says, "With a wrecking ball... You want to help me swing it?"