It is a lazy Saturday after a week that was filled with early morning wake ups and lots of sleep deprived crankiness. I have been so grumpy lately that I am even annoying myself. Sometimes I find myself down a hole for no reason I can think of. So I hunker down and read trashy magazines, eat junk food and wait for it to pass me by, all the while hoping I will come out the other end intact. How is it that we often end up being our own worst enemies? After forty years on this earth I was hoping I would know better by now. I remember when my mom turned forty and she seemed so grown up. I just don't feel like a grown up yet. And then I wonder if my children see this insecurity I have in my role of parent or if they see something more akin to the way I viewed my parents. It could be one of those many instances I have where people perceive me as 'together' when all the while I am feeling completely lost.Last night when I was on my way to my friend Christen's I was listening to La Vie Boheme from 'Rent' and I had this sudden realization that I feel so out of place in Texas. I have been so lucky to meet people who are not only exceptional, but also very like-minded. But I feel surrounded by a greater community that is very homogenous. In Berkeley our neighbors were represented by almost every race and creed. Sexual orientation was never a given and my friends were as often homosexual and hetero. I have been so busy trying to make Josh accept these cultural differences that I neglected to deal with my own grief over this loss. It seemed to come crashing down on me last night. I felt this immense mourning over what I have lost. And it is all so entwined with the grief I feel over losing daily contact with loved ones that it is hard to separate those feelings from culture shock. Where does one end and the other begin? Our community in Berkeley had loads of problems and culture clashes. It was no utopia by any means, so please don't confuse my nostalgic representation for a true picture of our life there. There is no perfect society. But I miss trying to create one.