Another Letter for Sam

Dearest Sammy:You recently turned two. You are such a joy in our lives. You light up every room you walk into with your warmth and your crazy expressions and that spectacular curly hair. You let us know what your needs are and you demand that they be met--the sooner, the better. You are most definitely a second child. You are talking up a storm and you walk up to us with your arms outstretched and say "hug". You get incredibly jealous when I hold Ben, because like most two year olds, the world revolves around you. You love to have an audience, and when we laugh at something you did at dinner, you look so proud of yourself. You are less cautious than your brother, but still by no means a daredevil. You love to dance and listen to music. You love to eat spaghetti, tomatoes, ice cream and cake. On your birthday, when I made chocolate cake, you walked around the house all day saying 'num', 'cake' and 'happy'. You grab our hands and say "come on". You grab the Playstation remote and you say 'game' as you walk around the house with it (even though you are not actually playing). You can finally say 'Ben'. When we still lived in California, before you were born, we saw a financial advisor for awhile. She told us we were not in a financial position to have a second child. We decided "Screw her. Poor people have children all the time." And I am so glad we did not take her advice to heart. Money is fleeting, but you my dear are priceless. I cannot imagine my life without you in it. Happy birhday Sam. Love, Mom In the hospital: with Natalie: At one year old: Birthday fete:

A Letter for My Boys

Dear Ben and Sam:It seems like it has been way too long since I have written you both a little letter. I had a draft of one I started in January, but never finished. I had an outline of things I wanted to cover and reading it only 5 months later has been interesting because I have already forgotten half of the stuff you did just a couple of months ago. Ben: You used to insist that we take a detour to take you to school so that you could see this tree sculpture in front of this ultra modern house. You called it the spooky tree. You have started helping out by setting the table and letting the dogs in and out. For a brief period you were obsessed with this tacky bulldog statue that we received as a wedding gift from a relative. You called him 'Bah' and brought him everywhere and even slept with him. You are obsessed with video games. I love it when you are playing a game with dad and you tell him what to do. You love books and are often found sitting on the floor surrounded by them. You are becoming such a little boy--talking in funny voices and saying 'watch this'. You still refuse to go on the potty and it has become a power struggle. I keep telling myself that one day you will wake up and be ready. I still believe this, but now worry that it will be when you are in middle school. Now you are constantly saying "awesome dude", which is driving me up the wall. You are a sensitive child and I see so much of me at your age in you. And when I am yelling or losing my temper one look at you breaks my heart, because I can see exactly what you are feeling. I struggle daily to be a good parent and some days I do better than others. You deserve so much more than I seem able to give you. Mothers always seemed so selfless to me and I am anything but selfless. I am grateful that you have such a good and present father. I hope that will help in the areas I am weak in. I told myself when you were born that I would need to be vigilant to keep the constant depression at bay. I would need to take care of myself in order to be there for you. But I struggle to be well and to balance the person you need me to be and the person I am. Most of the mothers I know do not seem to flinch at their new roles and the loss of many of their liberties. I chafe constantly at the ropes I feel that bind me. Do you really need to know all of this? Probably not. But perhaps when you are older it may explain my mercurial personality and mood swings. And maybe you will not blame yourself and realize that my being weak did not make me love you any less. Sam: You are quite the little character. You seem to think we are all completely mad and you mostly go off on you own. You are extremely independent and stubborn. You come over to me for a quick cuddle and then once your needs have been met you are off on another adventure. You are giggly and ticklish. You still only say CAR and TUCKER and are obviously frustrated by not being able to communicate. I keep trying to teach you some signs but you seem to prefer screaming as a mode of communication. Awhile ago you were obsessed with this game our friend Kell taught you. You would hit your forehead against mine and then say BOOM OUCH. You could play this for hours although it sure hurt my head because you did not hold back. You love to 'help' around the house which is of course a bit of a nightmare. You seem somewhat oblivious to those around you with the exception of Ben who you adore. You are both becoming such handsome and caring boys. My only hope is to do right by you both. Love, Mom

The Birthday Apology

Dear Ben:Today you are four years old and your mom is in a bad mood. I am afraid this has not been the best of celebrations for you thus far and I am so sorry for that. You are napping now and I am hoping your day will improve steadily. Daddy will take you to Costco and then you will come with me to get Nana and Grandad at the airport. Then it's bbq for dinner and cake for dessert. All of these things should help lift your spirits. I want to be the perfect parent, but I am not. People always throw the "there is no way to be a perfect parent, but there are millions of ways to be a good one," but you and I know that it is cold comfort when your mom is snapping at you. Since I am not in the best place to write a love letter with my words I will write it with film (and these ARE all film--some by me and some by Amy). I love you so much and you love me much more than I deserve. Bonnie Berry is an Austin, Texas child, family and wedding photographer.

To Sam on His First Birthday

Dear Sam:I realize that your birthday was over a month ago, but I have not had a chance to write this until now. The photos, however were taken on September 6th, your actual birthday. I cannot believe that you are already one year old. Just yesterday you were an itty bit. Everyday you are becoming more and more your own person. You are truly an amazing child. You have so many little habits. You are a classic thumb sucker and you can crawl up a storm. When you are really excited you do a little crawling dance as you start to do your take-off. You love to crawl up the stairs over and over again. You are afraid when I try to teach you how to go down them and the other day you did manage to fall down them the ONE time I had the baby gate down. I was so scared, but you just cried for about 30 seconds and then spent the next 30 minutes sucking your thumb and lying on my chest. It was definitely one of those moments when I was glad your dad used to be an EMT and could talk me out of my panic. I expect that you will be walking soon and then we will really be in big trouble. It is hard to be the second child, but you handle it with style. If you cry and your needs are not met right away, you just cry louder. Smart boy. You are incredibly curious. Everything demands a touch and a trip into your little mouth. If it meets with your approval at that stage then it needs to take a few spins around the room, while still in your mouth. Then it needs to be banged on the table a few times to see what sound it makes. You are also highly independent. You won't let me feed you because you want to do it yourself. You with a spoon and a container of yogurt make for some crazy kitchen art. You don't want to sit still for even a quick diaper change. It has become a crazy sport just to get a dirty diaper off of you. You are so like and unlike your brother at the same time. You think that the sun rises and sets with Ben. Every morning when we drive to school you and Ben laugh almost the whole way there. The sound is like music to me (at least for the first ten minutes). Sometimes when I pick you up at school, I see that you are happily playing, before you have a chance to see me. But once you see me you cry and reach for me as if you have been saving up all of your fears and unhappiness until you could see me or your dad again. You laugh when I throw you up in the air and clap your hands when I sing. When you smile it lights up the room so that I am almost blinded by my love for you. I am often plagued by doubt about the things I do and the directions I take in life. But you and your brother are the two things of which I am the most proud. You are two people that I cannot believe came from me. I am flawed, but you, my dear, are perfect. Simply perfect. Love, Mommy

Dear Ben

I know that I said I do not do these anymore, but after doing one for Sam it seemed only right to do another for you, especially since it has been so long since the last one. You will be three years old in a few days and I can hardly believe it. You love television. I mean LOVE it. Many parents don't let their kids watch tv and I say "to each his own". I also love tv and still read more than anyone I know. I don't think the two are mutually exclusive. You think that we have a magic tv because of Tivo. You just plop down on the couch and ask to watch a giraffe, a hippo or a lion. As if I could magically conjure things up at will. It makes sense since you ask for 'Cars' or 'Dora' and they instantly appear. None of that "it's not on right now" for you. I love how you say "please" and "thank you" and "bless you" when I sneeze. How you miss your daddy when he goes out of town. At night you sneak out of your bed and come downstairs and sit on the stairs. Your dad and I will be watching tv and suddenly realize that you are there. It's so cute and a bit eerie. We think you have a wonderful future ahead of you as a cat burglar. I love how much you love your little brother and how when you see him you say "What is that?" instead of "Who is that?" And when you want to tell us what something is, you say "what is that?" just so we will say "I don't know. What IS that?" and you can show us how smart you are. You are truly the puzzle master. I have never seen anything quite like it. Recently we bought you a 35 and a 60 piece puzzle. Josh thought I was being ambitious with the 60 piece, but I said you would grow into it. Within 30 minutes of returning home you had done both. You showed us. You love your school. It took awhile for you to warm up to it but now you really seem to enjoy it. You walk into school and all the teachers you pass say "Hi Ben" and you just walk on by as if you were a rock star who could not be bothered. And when your daddy brings you home in the evening you hand me your latest creation and when I ask what it is, you say "art". You always want to help out and you seem to really enjoy cleaning. I blame this on your nana (my mother). Last night you were taking a bath and asked me to give you the washcloth I was using. You then proceeded to scrub down the faucet and the tiles. You also like to observe all that we do and drag your stool everywhere so you can see what's going on. You finally let your daddy brush your teeth at night without trying to kick him to death and you two have your bedtime rituals from reading books to shadow chasing. The shadow chasing is my favorite. Right before you get into bed you run around your room "chasing your shadow". SO cute. You love your daddy more than I can say and that warms my heart. Lately one of your favorite father/son activities is playing games on the computer. I admit that I am not so sure how I feel about this. It is a little strange watching you sit in the Aeron chair operating your own little mouse. It makes me want to add 'carpal tunnel syndrome' to your health insurance coverage. Your love of computers is a bit of a puzzle to me. I always see them as an adult activity since we did not have them as children. The other day you walked up to me and put the laptop on my lap and said "Trains mommy." I was a bit worried about how you would react to Noah living with us but you seem to take it all in stride and always ask where Noah and Meagan are if they are not at home. You and Noah have so much fun together and you are such boys. There is a great deal of rough housing and physical play. I keep trying to take you to kids events all over Austin but you could care less. You are obviously not a "joiner". I often write about motherhood in this blog and how challenging it can be. This is not at all a reflection on you. You are a wonder and the joy of my life. Motherhood is hard. Being your mom is easy. It is a role I would never relinquish no matter what. You and your brother are everything to me. I love you Ben. I can't believe you will be three years old. It is all going so quickly. I want to freeze you at this age and at the same time I can't wait to see what will happen next. It's a wonderful quandary to be in. I Love You, Mommy

Dear Sam

I got the idea to write letters to my children from dooce. But I soon realized that it was her "thing" and that I didn't do it nearly as well. I wrote one to Ben when he was two months and another at six months. So now I want to do at least one for Sam so he doesn't feel left out. In addition, I now KNOW that there is not a chance in hell that I will remember this time. Before I was optimistic about my memory. Now I am plain old realistic. So here goes. Dearest Sam: You are now four months old and a dream. You are quite simply the loveliest baby on the block. You smile more than any other creature I have ever seen. You giggle like a pro. After we had Ben I thought we could never have a baby as easy and charming as him. But you proved us wrong. I have a feeling that you will do a great deal of this in the future. It all began with your "scheduled" birth. It was more than disconcerting that we had an appointment for your delivery. It just felt wrong. I am sure that your future self will be none too happy that your mother picked your birthday. You did NOT want to come out of the warm womb and it took three adults pushing as hard as they could to get you to budge. But once you came out you were just about the happiest baby ever. It is hard in the present to think of all of the silly, sweet things you do, but I will try. I love how your eyes light up when I enter the room and how you giggle so much. And you do a half cry/half laugh every time you are about to get fed. As if you are so excited, but also nervous at the same time that you will be deprived. You put everything in your mouth and I mean EVERYTHING. Your fists and thumb are of course a favorite as well as your toy Sophie the Giraffe. You are an excellent sleeper which thrills me to no end and only cry when you have a need to be met. You love to watch your big brother Ben. Everything he does fascinates you. It is already clear that you aspire to be just like him. When you and I drop Ben off at school all the kids flock around you as if you were an exotic bird. And you take this all in stride like an old man who is wise beyond belief. You love to fall asleep on your daddy's knees in the evening after big brother Ben is already in bed. You seem delighted to be allowed the privilege of staying up late. You try to watch television every chance you get. Just like your daddy. I love you so much Sammy. Each day I grow to appreciate you more. I am excited to see who you become. Just know that no matter what I will always love you. Love, Mommy

A Letter to Benjamin

Dear Benjamin: Today you are six months old. SIX MONTHS! I can hardly believe it. Time is already passing so quickly. It feels like you arrived yesterday. You are changing so much each day. Sometimes it feels like every hour. You are holding things yourself and grabbing for things at the table. We even put you in a high chair for the first time on Sunday when we went out for breakfast. We gave you a spoon to play with which you proceeded to bang rhythmically on the table (although the other diners might not have appreciated your fin musical abilities). When we go to stores you love to be in the Bjorn so you can grab at things on the shelves. I have a feeling we will have to put an end to this soon or be banned from Target for life. And then what would we do all day?

This is an especially fun stage you're in right now. You seem happy almost all of the time. You entertain yourself for long stretches of times. You seem excited by all that the world has to offer. Like you cannot wait to get out there and see what it's all about.

You have developed a slight case of stranger anxiety. It seems especially acute around my parents. That will teach them to visit more often, huh? I know what you're up to. You have become quite the little manipulator. You cry and cry until you get what you want and then a big smirk comes across your face. 'Atta boy.

You hate to nap. I think you are afraid that you are going to miss something exciting. I can't say that I blame you. I used to be like that too. I was always certain that the moment I would miss would be THE MOMENT to end all moments.

We are trying to give you solid foods, but you aren't buying it. We put the spoon in your mouth and you just look at us like "What the heck did you do that for?" I can see Dorothy Parker's spirit coming through your face as if to ask "What fresh hell is this?" Yet you are very interested in our food and you follow the path of our forks to our mouths and back again. Today we took the dogs to the beach and threw the stick for them in the bay for them to fetch. You thought that was pretty cool. Even when I had to ceaselessly lean over to pick up the stick and you ended upside down in your Baby Bjorn.

When I was born, my birth parents felt that they were too young to keep me and raise me. So they put me up for adoption. Grandad and Nana took me home with them where they raised and took care of me. I cannot imagine ever having to part from you. I promise that no matter what, I will never leave you. And no matter what, I will always love you. You are such a little angel. I don't know what I did in this life to deserve you. I feel so unworthy. I only hope that I can be half the mother that you deserve.

Gros Bisous, Mommy