When I was still single and childless many of my oldest friends had children of their own. It made it difficult to keep up our friendships. I never really understood why these women couldn't have their children and keep their relationships the same. Now I understand perfectly. Or at least I understand my version of things.At the time I wanted my new mom friends to continue to be able to talk about silly gossipy things and about the films they had seen, the current political situation as well as the last issue of The New Yorker. I didn't yet know about baby brain. Now I do. Or at least I would if I could remember ANYTHING AT ALL. So now I struggle with trying to keep my old self and finding my way with a new lifestyle. I am so tired all the time now that it is hard to find the energy to keep up my relationships with other people, including my marriage. Once the kids are in bed and settled I have about an hour to myself to do laundry and dishes and clean up hurricane Ben that passed through the house earlier that day. And I KNOW I should call or email my friends. That I should reach out and try to escape the isolation I feel being with the kids so much or working at home by myself. But all I want to do is grab the Ben and Jerry's and head for the bed and the latest chick novel I bought at Costco. And I realize that this sounds funny but speaking to my friends back in California makes me feel even worse sometimes. It's as if I don't keep in touch then their lives are not continuing without me. I can fool myself into thinking they have all frozen in time and are just waiting for me to come back and visit before they unfreeze themselves and we pick up right where we left off. But this reasoning, besides being ridiculously faulty, does not serve my friendships well. I can only hope that this will all get better as the kids get older. That I will have more time to devote to myself and the friends that I care about most. And that they will be patient and wait for me.