Let me start off this post by saying that it is probably a REALLY bad idea to write on your blog when you not only have a cold, but have your period as well. I posted these pictures of Sam because they remind me of what I strive to be every day to these boys, a good mother. It is ironic that they illicit these emotions in me partly because they are photographed here with Josh and not me. But because I am behind the camera I know that they convey the way I feel about my sons and not simply their physical representation.
I want so badly to be a good parent. Some days I do better than others. Today was not a good day. Today I feel like a bad mother. I have no patience. I am irritable. I am unappreciative. Tomorrow might be better. I hope that it will be. With hormones raging throughout my body I cannot help but think about the Nielson family's recent tragedy. Most of you are probably more familiar with their story than I am (Tara also wrote a touching entry about it here). But their story pierces my heart. It reminds me that each day is precious and that my "I will try better tomorrow" philosophy just doesn't cut it. I have to remember that perhaps today will be all I have and that I have to make it count. That I have to be a good mother now and not tomorrow or the next day.
Time also feels infinite to us as humans. I suppose we have to feel that way in order to go on. As an adoptee I never want to leave my children's fate up to chance. It is too big of a bargain to make. I want to know that I not only will always be there to love them, but that I will do so unconditionally and flawlessly. This is, of course, not possible. I am, after all, merely human. But I want the world for them and I want to be the one to give it to them. Is that really so very much to ask for?